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Don’t Cross the Streams

“Don’t Cross the Streams”
The Entrepreneur Chronicles

Dylan talks to his roommate about an idea for a new product…

DYLAN
I want to sit at my desk and pee without ever getting up!

JORDAN
There’s something wrong with you!

DYLAN
No, listen! This is the future. In the old days, people had to get up to change the television channel. Now, they can change the channel with their cell phone – anywhere in the house, even outside…You can be mowing the lawn and turn up the volume – whatever you want.

JORDAN
Right… (Hesitating) but that doesn’t mean that the next evolution in human efficiency will be urinating at your desk.

DYLAN
Why? Do you think that HR would have a problem with it?

JORDAN
Umm, Yeah! Or the cleaning staff.

DYLAN
Nonsense! The cleaning staff would love it. The bathrooms would be cleaner, less work for Lupe and her family. I have it all figured out… think of the time you could save.

JORDAN
Yeah, but is that worth it?

DYLAN
Yes! For entrepreneurs like us who can’t be bothered with such inconveniences.

JORDAN
Don’t lump me into that category. I’m not sold on this idea. I can see the potential in some of your other business plans, but I would hold off on this one… probably forever.

DYLAN
Well, I’m not just going to jump into something without vetting it out first.

JORDAN
Well, that’s reassuring!

DYLAN
Listen, imagine that I am on a video conference call… I can’t get up. We are about to strike a deal, and my only option is to hold it, and the last thing that I want is my bladder bursting and spraying my webcam with pee

JORDAN
Do you know why you pee so much?

DYLAN
Stress?

JORDAN
How can you be stressed? You smoke fucking pot all day long.

DYLAN
I don’t smoke that much. (JORDAN rolls his eyes and looks away) Oh, come on. We smoke the same amount.

JORDAN
I’m not a pussy with a tiny bladder; or maybe, you might have an enlarged prostate, just like those TV commercials, with balding men in convertibles trying to curb a midlife crisis.

DYLAN
Peeing a lot doesn’t mean that my prostate is fucked up.

JORDAN
Well, that’s true, but you can’t deny that you are in a constant life crisis. It’s practically every other day that you’re having some kind of mental breakdown.

DYLAN
It’s called a ¼ life crisis, and it’s a part of the process.

JORDAN
There you go with that goddam process thing again.

DYLAN
Listen, don’t insult my process. I took a lot of time and energy coming up with the right formula to build a business. Steve Jobs did it like this, so did Elon Musk.

JORDAN
They had mental breakdowns too?

DYLAN
If that’s what the project required – yes! And don’t worry about my prostate; I am on a healthy masturbation schedule.

JORDAN
Well that’s good to know. You should tell that girl, Sammie-Jane. She’s into those kinds of services.

DYLAN
What services?

JORDAN
The ones with a happy ending…

DYLAN
No she’s not. She’s eccentric; she’s not a whore.

JORDAN
…You met her in a mental hospital!

DYLAN
So what? I’ve been in a mental hospital…It’s not that strange.

JORDAN
Really?

DYLAN
Most people have one foot in a shrink’s office and the other foot in a bottle of pills.

JORDAN
…Or weed in your case.

DYLAN
Yes, yes, of course. It’s all necessary.

JORDAN
…part of the process.

[They both take a hit from the bowl]

JORDAN
Alright, you want to know something about Sammie – she’s more obsessed with assholes than a gay guy.

DYLAN
What?! Why would you think that?

JORDAN
The other day she asked me if I would like to have my asshole played with… and if I did, she said that she would be happy to take care of it for me.

DYLAN
Maybe she’s trying to help you out… You do look a little constipated.

JORDAN
Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks. (Sarcastic) She’s probably one of those girls who would give you a blowjob on the toilet.

DYLAN
Is that not your thing either?

JORDAN
Nope, you were my last, sweetheart. (Sarcastic)

DYLAN
I have to be honest, getting raped is a deeply rooted fear of mine. (Reaches down to feel his ass)

JORDAN
I wouldn’t be surprised if you do get molested at some point with the kind of friends you have.

DYLAN
Oh, come on. What about Henry-Lee?

JORDAN
Crazy! He’s absolutely demented, with those eyes and those stubby fingers – he’s a motherfucking specimen.

DYLAN
He’s a smart guy. I like the Asians. They’re focused and motivated.

JORDAN
Who cares about that? He’s not coming up with the next Facebook any time soon, and in the meantime, he’s eating our sugar.

DYLAN
What’s wrong with that?

JORDAN
You think that it’s okay for someone to come in here and eat all of our sugar out of the bag with a T-spoon. I half expected him to start snorting it off the table.

DYLAN
(smiling) He does, and probably puts it up his ass too.

JORDAN
Don’t tell me things like that.

DYLAN
What? It gets into the blood stream faster; it doesn’t have to go through the liver, I guess.

JORDAN
I think that mainly applies to drugs.

DYLAN
Sugar’s a fucking drug – half the country is morbidly obese. Do you think that happens without an addiction problem?

JORDAN
Whatever… He’s not normal. That’s the point.

DYLAN
He probably has diabetes… He’s a nice guy. Who else do you find abhorrent? (Casual)

JORDAN
Scotty Peeples – another former mental hospital patient.

DYLAN
Again, irrelevant! (Quick, under breath)

JORDAN
Thanks to him, I shake with violent anxiety every time I take the garbage out.

DYLAN
You have to admit, that was funny.

JORDAN
Funny!? I almost killed him.

DYLAN
Well, that’s not his fault. He was exploring.

JORDAN
Well… It’s certainly not my fault.

DYLAN
Really? You beat him with the trashcan lid. What were you thinking?

JORDAN
I thought he was a fucking animal – some kind of rabid dog or raccoon.

DYLAN
Did you think he was going to eat you?

JORDAN
At first glance, it looked like that was his intention, yes!

DYLAN
Yeah. A quick strike to the neck and he would have had you down in the barrel with him…food for a month.

JORDAN
Exactly! I couldn’t take any chances.

DYLAN
He does look like a raccoon.

JORDAN
Yes he does. Look, you assume the general risk when you jump in another man’s garbage can wearing a black sweat suit and sporting rabid-rodent eyes. I should have maced the bastard.

DYLAN
Yeah! His nose would still be straight. Back to business… the device! How will it look?

JORDAN
The anal thing?

DYLAN
No! The device that will allow me to pee at my desk! Stop thinking about my prostate and let’s stay focused.

JORDAN
Well, you’re going to need a tube – maybe, 1/16 would be a good size for you.

DYLAN
What?! Are you serious? That’s like… tiny. (Holds up his hand to make the shape) There’s no way I’d fit in there.

JORDAN
Sure you will. Use suction – the Bernoulli principle.

DYLAN
Do you even know what that is?

JORDAN
Of course! It’s simple physics.

DYLAN
That principle deals with fluid dynamics and the pressure of non-conductive liquids. It has nothing to do with whether or not my penis is going to be able to fit in a 1/16 inch tube. And, if such a feat were accomplished, removing it would be the next challenge, one that I would not want to entertain.

JORDAN
Believe me; it will work in your case.

DYLAN
Moving on!

JORDAN
You’ll need something to collect the urine.

DYLAN
Yes, some kind of tank.

JORDAN
Why don’t you use a catheter?

DYLAN
Because…it’s invasive! I don’t consider peeing with a catheter-rod shoved up ones urethra a marketable concept.

JORDAN
I’m not sure you are really dealing with a marketable concept.

DYLAN
Nonsense!

JORDAN
Well, I guess you could design something like a flesh light.

DYLAN
That could work…just like you’re peeing in a vagina. It would be a multipurpose product, easy to market to a certain class of people.

JORDAN
People like you and your friends?

DYLAN
Hey, shut your mouth, we’re entrepreneurs! This is what it takes; you have to get your hands dirty, at least in the beginning.

JORDAN
That doesn’t mean you have to literally be dirty. Besides, think about the consequences.

DYLAN
Like what?

JORDAN
Confusion!

DYLAN
What confusion, my confusion?

JORDAN
It will be. Imagine this! You’re with a woman, first time in a few weeks, and during that time you’ve been using your little desk toilet masturbation device that feels like a vagina and everything is alright, and then boom! It happens…

DYLAN
What happens?

JORDAN
You forget what you’re doing. You pee inside her!

DYLAN
Oh, come on!

JORDAN
Yep! Mark my words. If you go down these roads, you will risk it all, my friend. For instance, you’re doing your thing, everything is going well. She’s asks you, “baby did you come?” And then you realize, OH SHIT… that wasn’t cum. She says something like, “Wow, baby that’s a lot.” The whole time your face has gone white, your heart is about to explode, and now you have to decide how you are going to tell her that the warm sensation she just felt was actually you peeing inside of her…So much for a happy ending!

DYLAN
Damn! You ruined it.

JORDAN
Don’t cross the streams! Pee in the toilet! Just stick to that, for God’s sake!

DYLAN
Alright, I concede. The thought has now had time to sink in, and you’re right, peeing during sex would be uncomfortable for everyone.

JORDAN
That’s putting it lightly.

DYLAN
Well, you never know! She might have a pee fetish.

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